This is another fairly intense one that I wrote about 8 or 9 years ago when my trauma feelings were surfacing a lot. I feel the British ‘stiff upper lip’ has a hell of a lot to answer for as it leads us all to stay silent so as not to upset people or cause their disapproval…but it creates isolation, addictions and stops us healing from life experiences.

Stay silent

Clawing at the walls
Trying to get out
Howling at the stars
I just want to shout
Screaming my distress
A desperation plea
To a world that doesn’t see
A world that just wants me

To fold in
To shut up
To keep quiet
To buck up
To smile instead
Of breaking down
A quiet me
Please don’t frown
Play the game
Keep it inside
We don’t express
We have to hide
The pain inside
And smile instead
While the beast of anguish
Just gets fed.

Smoke a spliff
Buy a car
Eat a cake
Smoke cigars
Buy a beer
Drink it up
Show no fear
show no tears
Buy more gear
Insides sear
Never hear
Truth calling clear
Truth calling near

Insides churning
‘gainst the learning
Of childhood rules
Society fools
Fake place
Make-up face
The clown who laughs whilst inside his life and world is falling to pieces all around him.

While despair threatens
Wine beckons
Friends collude
Egg you on
Drink some more
Don’t sing your song
The song of truth
Held in your soul
The waves grow high
Til they overspill
And then who will
Be there to help you ride those waves?

Nothing matters
When full of chatter
But friends all scatter
As you shatter
Into pieces on the floor
You become a bore
You should buy another round in!
You should just keep a-smilin’

With mania edging closer
The grin gets ever harder
To hold in place
On a face
With eyes open wide
With horror inside

The place that will not hide

The place that never dies

The place you hid inside

The place where fires roar high
The place where screams reside
The place that holds the memory
The one you didn’t want to see
The one you didn’t want to face
The one that knocked you out of place
The one that knocked you out of life
The one that stopped life feeling nice
The one that stopped you feeling safe

In this place
In this life
In this world
He held a knife
To your throat
Make a noise
And he’ll kill you
And if you cry
He’ll laugh even more
He’ll rape you again
There on the floor

So just keep quiet
And keep quiet now too
Cos no one wants to witness
The violence you encountered

Shut it out
Shut it up
Buy a drink
And sup
And sup
And sup
And sup

Til the numbness descends
The numbness, your friend
It’s arms come around you
The cloud it surrounds you
But the lies???
– they will drown you.

by Kathrin Atkinson

[date estimated]


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